the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
