Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
