Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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