my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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