Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
