Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
