You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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