So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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