I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
