I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
my poor anus
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
