that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm having to shit out rocks
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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