i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Mom said you looked used
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Randomize
