shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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