How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
