I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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