I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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