is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
