dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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