who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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