Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
