the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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