Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
