I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
