I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
