i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
