Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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