Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
