You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
