I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just had sex bonerless
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
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