Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I have feelings that need drinking.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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