He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
