Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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