If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
