i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
