WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
