this boner is exhausting
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
