flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
