nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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