I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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