ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize