When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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