I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
