you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
