Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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