My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
