I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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