I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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