i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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