my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
