i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
