You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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