i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
