I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
