I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Come on in and take your pants off
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