One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
