She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize