So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
