Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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