The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
