i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
