somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
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