I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
