i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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