i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
