I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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