I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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