smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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