I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
