She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
